1 00:00:10,570 --> 00:00:14,150 Captain's log, star date 6969 .4. 2 00:00:14,630 --> 00:00:17,650 We have entered deep into the Clitoranus star quadrant. 3 00:00:17,870 --> 00:00:22,410 Our mission, to investigate a strange power source emanating from the 4 00:00:22,410 --> 00:00:24,470 uninhibited fourth planet in the system. 5 00:00:26,270 --> 00:00:27,630 Stand it over, Captain. 6 00:00:28,310 --> 00:00:29,510 Very good, number one. 7 00:00:30,150 --> 00:00:32,490 Captain, I'm getting an uncomfortable feeling. 8 00:00:32,710 --> 00:00:33,710 Something is amiss. 9 00:00:34,370 --> 00:00:35,370 Yes, Captain. 10 00:00:35,870 --> 00:00:39,870 I'm sensing a warm marshy terrain emanating with waves of... 11 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:42,000 Pungent atmosphere. 12 00:00:47,220 --> 00:00:49,520 You should try to do some more often, Counselor. 13 00:00:49,860 --> 00:00:52,000 No, Captain. I was referring to the planet. 14 00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:54,280 As was I. 15 00:00:57,060 --> 00:01:01,880 It seems that terrestrial energy readings are off the scale. 16 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:07,380 Mr. Dildo, pinpoint the source of the power emission and relay the information 17 00:01:07,380 --> 00:01:09,300 to the transporter room. Commander Dyka. 18 00:01:09,930 --> 00:01:11,210 A fit and away team. 19 00:01:11,730 --> 00:01:12,730 Yes, Captain. 20 00:01:15,410 --> 00:01:19,850 Mr. Wu, Mr. Dildo, and then 10 % you with me. 21 00:01:53,580 --> 00:01:54,880 The final erotic frontier. 22 00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:59,320 These are the penetrating voyages of the sex ship Pentecost. 23 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:03,820 Its five -minute mission? To stay erect and pointed toward the stars. 24 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:06,520 To thrust into the void of unknown pleasures. 25 00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:11,900 To boldly copulate with whatever's out there, like no man has copulated before. 26 00:03:22,090 --> 00:03:28,630 Captain's log, Stardate 6969 .5. The intercourse is orbiting Rigel Omega Beta 27 00:03:28,810 --> 00:03:32,090 Or an away team is investigating mysterious power sources. 28 00:03:33,330 --> 00:03:34,850 Switch your premise on. 29 00:03:36,530 --> 00:03:39,670 Not your vibrating synthesis, your tricorder. 30 00:03:40,510 --> 00:03:41,590 Sorry, Captain. 31 00:03:47,050 --> 00:03:49,290 The energy resource... 32 00:03:49,950 --> 00:03:52,050 Very close, sir. Exactly one metric more. 33 00:03:52,370 --> 00:03:54,810 If it was Tonya Harding, she would have clubbed it, right? 34 00:03:55,170 --> 00:03:58,310 If it was Lorena Bobbitt, she would have... Never mind your analogies, 35 00:03:58,970 --> 00:04:01,790 You and Insane Pussy, search this area regularly. 36 00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:05,470 Mr. Wolf and I, look upon those large rocks. 37 00:04:18,209 --> 00:04:19,209 You know... 38 00:04:19,339 --> 00:04:20,899 You see strong energy waves here. 39 00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:24,220 These stones are covering whatever is causing the energy. 40 00:04:25,420 --> 00:04:26,420 Hmm. 41 00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:28,980 Logically, we'd have to dip the rocks off. 42 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:31,080 Not now, Google. We are on duty. 43 00:04:31,500 --> 00:04:32,940 You can yank your point later. 44 00:04:33,340 --> 00:04:36,580 Now we need to move these rocks and see what is under them. 45 00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:38,040 Hmm. 46 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:49,240 A visor of some sort. 47 00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:51,360 Definitely alien in origin. 48 00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:52,880 Very old. 49 00:04:53,340 --> 00:04:54,340 How is some? 50 00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:56,780 I've been looking for a new pair of chains. 51 00:04:57,540 --> 00:04:59,060 They look like ribbons. 52 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:04,440 Um, Ensign, I don't believe that you should put those on. It could have some 53 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:05,440 dangerous side effects. 54 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,500 Maybe we should study them closely first. 55 00:05:07,860 --> 00:05:09,320 So that's way to study them. 56 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:11,200 And by putting them on. 57 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:15,200 What is it? 58 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:19,380 I never knew you were taking so much heat. 59 00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:22,060 It's just your standard issue private. 60 00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:24,620 Not that, Gildo. 61 00:05:25,460 --> 00:05:27,440 I'm talking about your big head. 62 00:05:28,460 --> 00:05:34,060 Vincent, I think those alien visors have caused you to hallucinate. I suggest 63 00:05:34,060 --> 00:05:35,060 that you take them off immediately. 64 00:05:35,540 --> 00:05:36,540 Not that, Gildo. 65 00:05:38,020 --> 00:05:41,020 I'm feeling space happy and nobody's putting my body. 66 00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:43,560 Um... 67 00:05:44,390 --> 00:05:46,070 Ensign, I don't think this is standard procedure. 68 00:05:47,290 --> 00:05:48,650 I don't think this is any procedure. 69 00:05:50,950 --> 00:05:51,990 It does feel good, though. 70 00:05:53,810 --> 00:05:56,890 My servos and my sensors are definitely tripping on my kidneys. 71 00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:37,580 Thank you. 72 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:19,360 Thank you. 73 00:10:10,190 --> 00:10:11,190 Mmm. 74 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:16,280 UGH! 75 00:19:52,110 --> 00:19:53,110 Dildo, instant! 76 00:19:53,250 --> 00:19:54,570 What is the meaning of this? 77 00:19:55,670 --> 00:19:57,310 Take it easy, man. 78 00:19:57,670 --> 00:19:58,670 You're just chilling. 79 00:19:58,990 --> 00:19:59,990 Out of digits, Dildo! 80 00:20:00,550 --> 00:20:01,730 Now get dressed at once. 81 00:20:02,070 --> 00:20:03,070 You too, mister. 82 00:20:03,310 --> 00:20:08,890 Yes. If you can tell I'm not a mister by now, maybe you... That's not true. 83 00:20:09,310 --> 00:20:10,430 Get a reading, Ray. 84 00:20:11,730 --> 00:20:12,990 Unknown metallic, Commander. 85 00:20:14,010 --> 00:20:16,210 My readings tell me it's over 10 ,000 years old. 86 00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:18,330 Must have been left there by an ancient civilization. 87 00:20:19,550 --> 00:20:21,750 Well, whatever it is... 88 00:20:22,250 --> 00:20:23,950 They've done something to Dodo and Sam. 89 00:20:24,550 --> 00:20:26,290 We've got to get them to sickbay at once. 90 00:20:27,390 --> 00:20:32,090 Hey, that's cool. A little nasty -wasty on the sickbay. Oh, man. 91 00:20:34,090 --> 00:20:36,070 Daiquiri intercourse. Daiquiri intercourse. Emergency. 92 00:20:36,450 --> 00:20:37,450 Four to beam up. 93 00:20:37,610 --> 00:20:38,930 Get us the fuck out of here. 94 00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:47,390 Captain's log supplemental. 95 00:20:47,950 --> 00:20:51,470 The away team has returned with a strange alien contraption. 96 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:55,160 It just had a puzzling effect on Dildo and some Poussey. 97 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,140 What seemed to be the problem, Dr. Kutcher? 98 00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:05,340 Well, Commander, something abnormal is going on. 99 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:10,460 Ever since Poussey and Dildo had intercourse, their body ratings have 100 00:21:10,460 --> 00:21:11,460 exceedingly low. 101 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:14,860 Well, maybe. 102 00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:17,840 Should a science lab take a look at it? 103 00:21:18,300 --> 00:21:19,300 No way. 104 00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:24,340 If these things are as much fun as I think they are, I want to get first 105 00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:27,880 Be careful, people. It could be dangerous. 106 00:21:30,060 --> 00:21:36,800 Oh, look at you, Will. 107 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,420 You look different than I've ever seen you before. 108 00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:41,300 You look so different. 109 00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:43,280 Oh, yeah? 110 00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:44,440 Oh, look. 111 00:21:45,220 --> 00:21:48,440 Say something sexy to me. 112 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:51,600 Sexy. 113 00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:53,480 Maybe it's something intelligent. 114 00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:55,400 Like the captain would say. 115 00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:57,400 Let's see. 116 00:21:59,260 --> 00:22:01,380 I can recite some Shakespeare for you. 117 00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:05,680 Okay. 118 00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:11,740 Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? 119 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:15,520 Thou can more lovely and more free. 120 00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:18,320 So long as man can breathe. 121 00:22:19,180 --> 00:22:20,840 And eyes can see. 122 00:22:21,900 --> 00:22:26,420 So long as this, this gives life to thee. 123 00:22:27,180 --> 00:22:28,260 Morning, morning, well. 124 00:22:29,060 --> 00:22:30,500 Morning, William. Okay. 125 00:22:34,220 --> 00:22:36,620 There was a girl from Alpha Centauri. 126 00:22:37,140 --> 00:22:38,960 She'd like to take up the back door. 127 00:22:39,380 --> 00:22:40,620 She sat on my lap. 128 00:22:41,180 --> 00:22:42,200 She took the crap. 129 00:22:48,780 --> 00:22:49,780 Take me, Will Biker. 130 00:30:50,710 --> 00:30:51,710 That's right. 131 00:30:55,790 --> 00:31:00,370 You want to fuck me? 132 00:37:57,260 --> 00:38:00,460 Even Gene Roddenberry shows better reading than us. Sure. 133 00:38:00,800 --> 00:38:02,380 I think we'd better call the captain. 134 00:38:02,900 --> 00:38:06,400 We may have encountered something that we have never encountered before. 135 00:38:10,500 --> 00:38:17,380 The captain has called you all here for 136 00:38:17,380 --> 00:38:19,880 suggestions. Not yet to hear one. 137 00:38:20,340 --> 00:38:21,980 I have a quick question, Commander. 138 00:38:22,220 --> 00:38:24,600 You should change your prowler with another weapon. 139 00:38:26,830 --> 00:38:28,170 Get those wet spots. 140 00:38:29,190 --> 00:38:30,990 Dig those groovy lights, man. 141 00:38:33,010 --> 00:38:34,990 I see nothing, Lieutenant. What do you see? 142 00:38:35,910 --> 00:38:41,110 Well, Commander, through my glasses, I see an energy beam. 143 00:38:41,890 --> 00:38:42,990 Very powerful. 144 00:38:44,650 --> 00:38:48,310 And getting more powerful with every moment. 145 00:38:49,370 --> 00:38:51,910 I sense there to be a presence there, too, Captain. 146 00:38:52,150 --> 00:38:53,750 Not energy as we know it. 147 00:38:54,220 --> 00:38:56,380 to appear uncalled for by sexual power. 148 00:38:56,660 --> 00:39:00,880 I don't think a creature like this has existed since Madonna, old 20th century 149 00:39:00,880 --> 00:39:05,980 Earth. Perhaps it is the essence of Madonna, surviving all these centuries, 150 00:39:06,380 --> 00:39:10,440 invading our ship, feeding off of our sexual energy. 151 00:39:11,180 --> 00:39:14,720 We must come on board with the visor. Then we must have an intruder on board, 152 00:39:14,780 --> 00:39:16,520 Captain. That visor must be destroyed. 153 00:39:18,800 --> 00:39:20,340 I'd like to hear some more suggestions. 154 00:39:21,460 --> 00:39:22,460 Commander? 155 00:39:22,730 --> 00:39:24,990 I say we go to our torpedo sucker. 156 00:39:26,910 --> 00:39:27,908 Very well. 157 00:39:27,910 --> 00:39:31,370 I will take the visor to the transporter room and transport it into space. 158 00:39:32,190 --> 00:39:34,470 Once it's there, we'll destroy it. 159 00:39:35,670 --> 00:39:38,350 You sure you'd like me to do that for you, sir? No, it's my job. 160 00:39:39,330 --> 00:39:42,890 I mean, I'll take care of the person. 161 00:39:43,810 --> 00:39:45,470 Counselor Joy, did you care to escort me? 162 00:39:46,090 --> 00:39:47,890 I think that would be a good idea, Captain. 163 00:39:48,270 --> 00:39:49,830 You're going to die if you don't charge the bridge. 164 00:40:07,529 --> 00:40:11,050 Captain, why did you bring me to the holodeck instead of the transporter 165 00:40:11,490 --> 00:40:14,050 And why does the holodeck look like a big black nothing? 166 00:40:14,670 --> 00:40:17,210 Because I wanted to simulate returning to the womb, Counselor. 167 00:40:17,870 --> 00:40:18,950 I miss my mommy. 168 00:40:22,730 --> 00:40:23,730 What do you think of that? 169 00:40:24,770 --> 00:40:26,750 You're a deeply disturbed man, John Cass. 170 00:40:27,190 --> 00:40:28,590 And that's why I like you. 171 00:40:28,850 --> 00:40:30,750 I like a little neurosis with my man. 172 00:40:31,110 --> 00:40:34,770 A little salt with my pepper. A little ketchup with my french fries. 173 00:40:35,310 --> 00:40:36,550 A little kitty with my litter. 174 00:40:36,770 --> 00:40:37,870 What are you getting at, Counselor? 175 00:40:39,650 --> 00:40:42,850 I've been trying to get you to notice me for the past seven seasons now, Jean 176 00:40:42,850 --> 00:40:43,850 -Pierre. 177 00:40:44,110 --> 00:40:48,790 Maybe this will help you to do it. I want you to put these on and just look 178 00:40:48,790 --> 00:40:49,790 me one time. 179 00:40:53,510 --> 00:40:54,510 Why not? 180 00:40:54,590 --> 00:40:55,690 It's our last season together. 181 00:41:08,490 --> 00:41:10,930 How'd you like to go on an Easter egg, big boy? 182 00:41:17,250 --> 00:41:19,290 Jean -Pierre, you are respecting my mind. 183 00:41:20,010 --> 00:41:21,070 Easter egg, huh? 184 00:41:22,350 --> 00:41:24,870 I want you to express your feelings. 185 00:41:25,290 --> 00:41:27,050 I want to get inside your head. 186 00:41:27,590 --> 00:41:28,590 What did you say? 187 00:41:28,830 --> 00:41:31,410 I said I want to give you head. 188 00:41:32,330 --> 00:41:36,110 Oh, baby, baby, do me like you've never done anyone before. 189 00:41:36,570 --> 00:41:37,570 Jean -Pierre! 190 00:41:37,750 --> 00:41:39,470 Backwards. Sideways. 191 00:41:41,470 --> 00:41:42,670 Don't do anal. 192 00:41:44,050 --> 00:41:45,050 Don't do anal? 193 00:41:45,210 --> 00:41:46,370 We'll see about that. 194 00:41:46,650 --> 00:41:49,810 Let me spear you like Macbeth in a Shakespearean novel. 195 00:41:50,130 --> 00:41:51,130 I give up. 196 00:42:07,210 --> 00:42:09,290 First of all, let's get you out of this uniform. 197 00:42:13,290 --> 00:42:18,350 See anything down there that grabs you? 198 00:42:19,070 --> 00:42:20,070 Gravity. 199 00:42:22,130 --> 00:42:23,190 You're mighty sweaty. 200 00:42:46,600 --> 00:42:47,600 Hmm. 201 00:43:35,330 --> 00:43:38,130 Oh. Oh. 202 00:43:38,390 --> 00:43:39,710 Oh. 203 00:43:51,850 --> 00:43:52,828 Oh, yes. 204 00:43:52,830 --> 00:43:55,370 Yes, bounce your print across my face. 205 00:44:01,610 --> 00:44:04,270 Here comes the captain. 206 00:44:05,070 --> 00:44:06,810 Make yield for starboard. 207 00:44:07,610 --> 00:44:08,690 Oh, God! 208 00:53:27,120 --> 00:53:28,120 Okay, doctor. 209 00:53:29,260 --> 00:53:30,680 I just want you to sleep. 210 00:53:32,940 --> 00:53:34,960 If you say sleep, you may never wake up from it. 211 00:53:35,980 --> 00:53:37,500 A lot of us work down here. 212 00:53:38,180 --> 00:53:41,800 We won't stop this creature before it drains out all of our sexual energy. I 213 00:53:41,800 --> 00:53:43,520 don't care. What do you plan to do about this? 214 00:54:05,520 --> 00:54:08,280 I suggest you stay here, Doctor, and move to 10 backward. 215 00:54:08,580 --> 00:54:10,780 Those are the two most secure places on the ship. 216 00:54:13,100 --> 00:54:14,780 I'm going to fight this thing to the end. 217 00:54:15,940 --> 00:54:17,900 I'm going to fight it to the bitter end! 218 00:55:07,980 --> 00:55:08,859 already, Captain. 219 00:55:08,860 --> 00:55:09,860 But what is our target? 220 00:55:11,060 --> 00:55:14,400 We have to destroy this alien presence before it sucks us dry. 221 00:55:15,640 --> 00:55:17,480 Ah! Too late for that. 222 00:55:18,540 --> 00:55:20,280 Dr. Guster already did that to me. 223 00:55:22,060 --> 00:55:23,160 What do you propose, Captain? 224 00:55:23,540 --> 00:55:25,160 The being is inside the intercourse. 225 00:55:25,360 --> 00:55:26,860 We can't fire upon our own ship. 226 00:55:27,820 --> 00:55:30,720 What we do is stop it. We have to come up with a feasible plan of attack. 227 00:55:32,480 --> 00:55:36,260 Actually, Captain, if the creature feeds on sexual energy... 228 00:55:36,490 --> 00:55:37,770 Perhaps we could starve it. 229 00:55:39,010 --> 00:55:42,030 If we were to take a pack, say, in celibacy. 230 00:55:42,290 --> 00:55:43,430 How long would that take? 231 00:55:44,170 --> 00:55:45,170 Days. 232 00:55:45,790 --> 00:55:46,790 Perhaps weeks. 233 00:55:48,510 --> 00:55:49,630 Dammit, Dildo! 234 00:55:49,930 --> 00:55:51,970 The captain said a feasible plan. 235 00:55:52,350 --> 00:55:55,370 Feasible. Wait a moment, Commander. Wait a moment. 236 00:55:56,230 --> 00:55:57,730 What if we reverse it? 237 00:55:58,410 --> 00:56:04,250 What if everyone on board made love at the same time interval? 238 00:56:05,390 --> 00:56:10,540 Perhaps... And I say perhaps we can defeat the being by overloading it. 239 00:56:12,900 --> 00:56:14,200 That's a hell of a lot more fun. 240 00:56:16,340 --> 00:56:18,540 I recommend we try to overload it, Captain. 241 00:56:19,480 --> 00:56:22,360 Turn this ship into an intergalactic love boat. 242 00:56:27,860 --> 00:56:28,860 That's a crew. 243 00:56:28,940 --> 00:56:30,000 This is your captain. 244 00:56:30,420 --> 00:56:31,900 You know, the bald guy on the bridge. 245 00:56:32,910 --> 00:56:36,210 We seem to have an alien presence on board and we are going to kill it by 246 00:56:36,210 --> 00:56:37,210 overloading it. 247 00:56:38,490 --> 00:56:39,490 I think so. 248 00:56:39,970 --> 00:56:40,970 Up there! 249 00:56:41,630 --> 00:56:42,630 Yes, Commander. 250 00:56:43,290 --> 00:56:44,610 So anyway, 251 00:56:45,930 --> 00:56:52,190 here I am sucking this chrome off of a trailer head when, um... This is the 252 00:56:52,190 --> 00:56:53,190 captain speaking. 253 00:56:53,250 --> 00:56:58,030 In 30 seconds, I want every man, woman, and tribal to engage in feverish sexual 254 00:56:58,030 --> 00:57:00,570 intercourse. Count down to 30. 255 00:57:01,200 --> 00:57:02,420 and then make it so. 256 00:57:05,520 --> 00:57:06,800 Did you hear that? 257 00:57:07,160 --> 00:57:08,160 I sure did. 258 00:57:08,640 --> 00:57:13,860 But tell me, how are we going to have intercourse when the intercourse, if 259 00:57:13,860 --> 00:57:15,140 aren't any men in 10 baths? 260 00:57:21,020 --> 00:57:25,060 Just leave it up to your family members and all of the family. 261 00:57:25,300 --> 00:57:26,300 That's who you are. 262 00:57:28,100 --> 00:57:29,820 Countdown in 10. 263 00:57:33,360 --> 00:57:35,220 Seven. Six. 264 00:57:36,020 --> 00:57:37,020 Five. 265 00:57:37,700 --> 00:57:39,320 Four. Three. 266 00:57:39,940 --> 00:57:41,900 Two. One. 267 00:57:42,400 --> 00:57:43,420 Make it so! 268 00:59:13,230 --> 00:59:14,230 command and control. 269 01:00:20,240 --> 01:00:21,240 Yeah. 270 01:22:14,730 --> 01:22:18,590 Apparently we have small damage on deck three and four, and there is no coffee 271 01:22:18,590 --> 01:22:19,590 in the kitchen. 272 01:22:19,750 --> 01:22:21,930 But the life -form readings have returned back to normal. 273 01:22:22,210 --> 01:22:27,410 Very good, Dildo. Well, men, women, it seems that we've got our tits out of the 274 01:22:27,410 --> 01:22:28,410 ring on this time. 275 01:22:29,690 --> 01:22:33,070 Perhaps I should have sex with Joy again to make sure for security reasons. 276 01:22:34,670 --> 01:22:36,150 Well, what about next time, Captain? 277 01:22:36,970 --> 01:22:38,610 So many unknowns in the universe. 278 01:22:39,430 --> 01:22:41,230 So many adventures for us to undertake. 279 01:22:42,130 --> 01:22:43,130 Yes, Will. 280 01:22:44,330 --> 01:22:48,370 Well, it looks like we have job security for some time to come.